The Loud Cynic
by EntrancedCat
Summary: Alternate Universe story of how Lisa became a Loud. This is a response to an IronChef challenge mounted by nightmaster000 on the Daria fan site thepaperpusher message board. So thanks to him for the inspiration.
1. Chapter 1

"Mom, Dad," six-year old Lincoln Loud said. "Cliff is meowing at the front door. I know I'm not supposed to let him out but he seems so desperate."

Lincoln was proud of the big new word he had learned from his older sisters and he thought he was using it correctly even. Cliff the cat was meowing at the front door in a sort of inquisitive way he had never seen or heard before; not his hungry, insistent meows or his happy meows when Lincoln got home from school. Cliff seemed to think there was something behind the door and Lincoln knew not to open the door after dark without a parent present. Mr. and Mrs. Loud observed Cliff curiously as they stopped before the door in their big house's foyer.

"What is it boy?" Mr. Loud asked as though the cat could answer. He peered out the peep hole and then out the side windows.

"There's a bundle out there." Lynn Loud, Sr. told his wife and the growing crowd of kids. Lincoln had been joined by Lori, Leni, Luna, Lynn Jr., and Luan Loud.

Mr. Loud motioned for everyone to stand back then opened the door slowly. His family took another step back as a brisk January breeze blew in. He glanced up and down the front yard and the street seeing nothing.

Satisfied there was nothing hiding among the toys strewn about the front yard, he turned his attention to the basket on his front step. A stirring of the bundle and unmistakable whimper caused him to quickly bring it into the house.

"Careful, Lynn," Rita Loud cautioned. Then as she heard the sound of a baby in some discomfort but not quite enough to cry Mrs. Loud softened.

"A baby?" She asked as the children gathered around their father.

Mr. Loud gently pulled the top thick blanket back and everyone cooed in surprise as another pink blanket wrapping a baby was revealed. The child stirred and yawned and regarded them with intensity. The baby's eyes shifted from one Loud family member to another carefully.

" _With you, my brown-eyed girl, You, my brown-eyed girl_ ," Luna began to sing overcome as they all were by the depth of the child's eyes and the way the baby seemed to take in all of them. Luan opened and closed her mouth several times, for once not able to articulate a pun.

"The poor thing's cold," Mrs. Loud said. "Let's get her into the kitchen."

"How do you know it's a girl?" Mr. Loud asked. "Oh yeah, pink for girls. I always forget. Sorry about that slugger."

He directed the apology to Lincoln who more than once had been teased by other boys for having a pink hand-me-down backpack on the first day of school.

"It's okay, Dad," Lincoln was more interested in the girl baby than his recent first-grade trauma.

The clan assembled in the kitchen joined by the rest of the crew and everyone looked at the little girl in the basket.

Lynn looked into the baby's eyes then she asked, "Can we keep her? Look at those eyes! I bet I could teach her to hit a fast ball out of the park!"

"Now kids," Mr. Loud said. "We have to report her to the authorities and try to find her family but…"

He bit his lip then burst out, "Oh gosh, Rita, she's adorable and..and almost a little frightening. Can we keep her?"

He whispered in Rita's ear, "It would give you a break from being preggy for a year or two, dear."

Mrs. Loud hit his arm lightly and said, "You know we have to check with a lot of people but…but…she's beautiful."

The other Louds knew when their mother was convinced of something and cheered. Lincoln won the naming contest and the baby was named, 'Lisa'. Lisa Loud's biological parents could not be located and with a few connections soon the little girl became a legal, official and more importantly much loved member of the Loud family.

 **HELEN HELEN HELEN HELEN HELEN**

Helen Morgendorffer stepped out of the family's small sedan and turned to the little girl in the backseat before she closed the door.

"Now, Quinn, sweetie, just wait here with Daddy for a few minutes. I have important business with this family. Daddy will tell you a story while I'm inside."

The flame-haired little girl nodded earnestly and addressed her father, "Daddy, tell me about the big mean dog again, mad…mad dog?"

Jake smiled indulgently at Quinn but addressed his wife before answering, "Helen are you sure about this?"

"Are we sure about anything?" Helen answered. The two looked deeply into each other's eyes before Quinn tugged at Jake's sleeve wanting her story.

Helen and Jake nodded at each other and Helen closed the car door when Jake said, "Looks like a nice house. Yard's a little trashed but with eleven kids, well, what do you expect. My dad never let me play in the front yard. 'Jake, you'll tear up the hosta.'"

"Yay, a doggie story," Quinn cheered.

Helen walked slowly up the Loud's sidewalk taking in the yard in the bright August sunshine. The place was certainly strewn with toys and athletic gear but everything looked clean and new and well cared for. She noted that a new looking rope and tire swing swung from a sturdy limb of a big tree.

"Whoa, look out lady," she heard a girl cry. Helen made a one-armed grab of a soccer ball out of the air with quick reflexes before it could smash into her.

"Oh, sorry ma'am," a girl whom Helen judged as just into her teens called. "I'm practicing my kicks and got a little too aggro."

"That's okay, dear, just be a little more careful." Helen enjoyed watching the girl's eyes get wide as Helen dribbled the ball a few times in her low heels and then kicked it back to her.

"You must be Lynn Loud," Helen asked the girl in an athletic jersey with the number 1 proudly displayed in front. "Your folks told me a lot about you, well, about each one of the big Loud family."

"Yes, ma'am. I'm Lynn. I think my 'rents are expecting you, ma'am."

Helen smiled at the mixture of politeness and teen slang as Lynn accompanied her to the front door.

"Mom, Dad the lawyer lady's here," Lynn shouted out loudly as she led Helen into the Loud's house.

"Lynn, dear, you're not cheering at a game. Please inside voice, remember," Mr. Loud reminded her as he and his wife came into the foyer.

"Sorry Mrs. Morgendorffer," Rita Loud said. "Lynn sometimes forgets she's inside the house not in a stadium."

"It's okay," Helen assured them as the Louds led her into the living room. "It will get me ready for when my little girl gets to be what, twelve, thirteen?"

"I'm thirteen but I play on some older kids' teams; I'm so good and they know it!" Lynn said proudly.

The adults laughed and Rita asked her daughter to go outside again while they talked with Helen.

Helen pulled a sheaf of paper from her briefcase and announced, "You'll be happy to know that the drunk who totaled your car has admitted all the fault. I'm so glad no one in your family was hurt, by the way. It seems he's trying to turn over a new leaf and long story short, to make amends he will buy you a new car. And take care of any and all legal fees. I've got all the paperwork here for you to sign, Mr. and Mrs. Loud."

As she spoke Helen glanced around the room carefully trying to hide her surveillance.

Mrs. Loud misinterpreted and apologized, "Oh, sorry Mrs. Morgendorffer, the house is always a mess with eleven kids running around and in and out. And please it's Lynn and Rita. You've been such a help in this."

"Oh no, no," Helen said. "I am just amazed that the place is in one piece; I hope you don't mind me saying. You both do a wonderful job. Lynn is a wonderfully polite energetic young woman. And it's Helen, please."

The next moment her breath caught as another Loud girl strode confidently into the room. Helen's stifled a gasp as the tiny girl turned huge round glasses up to regard her, glasses which could not hide the deepest, most aware, intelligent brown eyes Helen had ever gazed into.  
"You must be Mrs. Morgendorffer, the barrister," the little girl said with a slight lisp. "I'm Lisa Loud."

A moment later both elder Loud's exclaimed, "Lisa!" as the little girl confidently climbed into Helen's lap and snuggled in all the while never breaking the lock her eyes had on Helen's.

"It's okay," Helen found herself saying. "I'm used to holding little girls."

"Can I have your stool sample?" Lisa asked causing her father to spit take the coffee he had just sipped. "I need something from outside the family for comparisons."

"Lisa! That's enough." Rita scolded. "Don't bother our guest. Now up to your room, young lady, and I don't want to hear any explosions this time."

Lisa pouted but scrambled off Helen's lap and made for the stairs.

"It's okay," Helen collected herself and bit her lip. "I can tell your family has a wide range of talents."

The last was said as a burst of rock 'n' roll guitar sounded from upstairs accompanied by a girl singing loudly and on key.

Helen turned her head away and kept down, she hoped, some tears she could feel forming in her eyes.

"Oh, no, yeah," Lynn Loud said entirely mistaking the situation. "I can smell it too. Lily had another blow out diaper. I guess it's my turn to change."

Helen and Rita made small talk until he returned and Helen tamped her emotions down until she and the Loud's got all the papers signed and sealed. They bid goodbye at the front door just as Lincoln and a friend were coming in.

 **LISA LISA LISA LISA LISA**

From her second floor room's window, four-year-old Lisa Loud watched the lawyer get into a car parked on the street noting that a man, likely her husband or boyfriend, was at the wheel. There may have been a little kid in the back seat. Yes, Lisa concluded as she caught sight of a doll being waved around, a little girl.

As the car pulled away from the Loud's house, Lisa turned back to her instant DNA analysis equipment. Tomorrow she would apply for the patent to her new, improved DNA system but for now she had more important things to think about.

Her computer dinged and she consulted the screen. Lisa took off her glasses then and rubbed at the tears forming in her eyes.

She quickly went to the window again to catch a glimpse of the Morgendorffer's car turning a corner and going out of sight.

"Mother," Lisa whispered. "Mother. Father? Sister?"

Lisa had had her suspicions; she would retest the tiny DNA sample she had taken surreptitiously from the lawyer; and she would call in her chits from the discreet contacts which she had in the NSA but she now knew that Helen Morgendorffer was her biological mother.

"Mother," she whispered again as she primed her equipment for another go at Helen's DNA. But there was little question that she matched mitochondrial DNA with the woman who had just been in the Loud home.

 _"And Denisovan genes,"_ Lisa thought looking into nuclear DNA matches. " _Rare but not unheard of among northern Europeans such as ourselves."_

Lisa jumped a bit as big sister Luna in the next room began a loud guitar lick, the opening riff to the latest Mick Swagger hit, Lisa thought.

 _"The Loud's don't have a lick of Denisovan DNA, Neanderthal genes though, of course. Figures."_

"Mom," Lisa put on a brave face and enthusiastically greeted Rita who had just come into her room.

Mrs. Loud glanced around at the equipment crowding Lisa's shared room with baby Lily. Nothing looked imminently explosive although she did not understand the slightest what the things were doing. Then she looked down at the tiny bespectacled girl clutching her leg in a hearty hug.

Rita Loud had long given up trying to understand this daughter of hers but she knew Lisa's heart was in the right place. The little girl looked up at her with eyes shiny with brimming tears and Rita's heart melted once again.

"Mom, may I help Dad with dinner tonight? I had promised to show him some molecular tricks to make chocolate soufflé rise even higher and lighter." Lisa asked.

"Of course, dear," Rita said. "I was going to scold you for asking our guest such an ishy question but I think you do know better, hmm? Please, just think a bit before you let your curiosity and research get ahead of good manners."

Lisa nodded and Rita got down to let her daughter give her another enthusiastic hug before leaving her to her own devices.

Luna had thankfully stopped with the loud guitar and was just noodling away when Lisa returned to her equipment.

Lisa jumped again nearly dropping a test tube as she felt a sudden puff of air beside her. She turned to see an older sister the black garbed Lucy gazing at her with deep black eyes under a heavy mane of black bangs. How Lucy managed to appear seemingly at will and instantly anywhere in the house was a mystery to Lisa and the other Loud's, a mystery Lisa had never been able to solve.

The Loud children were composed of ten girls and one boy and they all loved and supported each other. However, with such a large crew spanning wide ages there bound to be some siblings closer to one or the other and forming tighter alliances and cliques. Lisa had observed that Lucy and Lincoln shared a tighter bond with each other than any other member of the family. Lisa could not stomach Lucy's dark, mystical folderol, however, Lisa often felt a strange bond with Lucy and she admired her sinister-seeming sister's focus and integrity.

"You are of this family and not of this family," Lucy began portentously. "The spirits tell that now you know this as well."

"I know I am adopted if that is what you mean," Lisa cut to the chase.

Lucy dropped her dark demeanor a bit. "Please, Lees, don't tell Mom or Dad or Lori or Leni or Luna or Luan or Lynn or Lincoln or Lola or Lana or even Lily that you know now. They will tell you when they know you are ready."

"I have twenty-seven patents and a PhD," Lisa stated. "I was ready months ago when I first suspected."

Lucy scowled in frustration and turned to leave until Lisa stopped her, "Lucy, I am still not used to considering people's feelings and emotions rather than nice, clean bright equations but for you, for them, I will keep my mouth shut. Sister."

The two sisters gave each other half-smiles and Lucy was overcome enough to wrap Lisa in a hug. Lisa stiffened and let it continue until she awkwardly pushed Lucy away gently.

"Please, please, I must get back to my experiments. Sis." Lisa's voice caught a bit in her throat. She could feel more pesky tears gelling behind her glasses.

"Sure, sis, sure, you do that." Lucy swept out of the room.

 **MORGENDORFFER**

Jake and Helen drove on in silence for several blocks after leaving the Loud house. They were not familiar with the neighborhood and were soon a bit lost in the cul-de-sacs and curving lanes.

"Jake, there's a park with a play area," Helen pointed. "Quinn's been a good girl in the car this morning. Let's stop and let her play and we can talk."

"That's a great idea, Helen," Jake pulled over. "I've been cooped up enough too these last couple years. I need some outside time."

Helen and Jake sat on a bench in the shade and watched Quinn happily play. Occasionally they encouraged her as she called for attention before going down a low slide or across some toddler-sized obstacle.

Helen and Jake sat in silence for a time longer. Helen shuddered as she glanced over at her husband's bare right arm sporting a tattoo in a green so dark it was almost black. It was nothing offensive but it still made the bile rise in her throat.

 _"A prison tattoo. Of all things. God knows why he got it and he's not ready to talk about it yet. I'm just glad it didn't give him hepatitis or worse. Damn, damn those crooked cops and damn that rotten, ambitions incompetent assistant DA. Setting Jake up, planting evidence just because they couldn't find the real drug-dealers and they thought the Morgendorffer's were nobodies. Jake hates drugs. It took all my nascent legal training, calling in all my tiny chits and promising big future favors, but I got him fully exonerated and freed after two years in that hell hole. Worst of all, and I know Jake feels the same, we lost Daria. We had to give her up. I was pregnant with Quinn. I couldn't secure Jake's release, work full-time and have Quinn and Daria at the same time without Jake's income and presence. Mom was no help at all, damn her too. No, never mind. Can't go down that path."_

"So," Jake broke the silence. "She was Daria of course. Lisa Loud our Daria Victoria Morgendorffer."

Jake buried his face in his hands.

"But she is loved? Right Helen? She is loved and cared for? We made the right choice. They probably don't remember I did a whole summer of yard work and house repair for them. I could see how much they loved each other."

"Yeah, Jake," Helen felt some moisture return to her mouth. "She is loved. I still don't know if I made the right decision."

She began to sob until Jake wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly. Quinn came over concerned and curious. She hopped up on the bench and held her Mommy too.

"It was the only thing you could do, Helen, I was behind bars then and it's far behind us now."

Jake sat up tall. He scooped up Quinn and tickled her gently until she giggled and squirmed.

"It's behind us but in front of us too. One day we can tell her; we can tell Lisa Loud that she is also Daria Morgendorffer. You said she seemed brighter than all the other Louds put together."

Helen thought a moment about the girl who had crawled onto her lap, the stranger who seemed strange in other ways too but felt so right on her lap.

She smiled hopefully, "Yeah Jake, we can tell her how much two families love her. I have a feeling that day might not be far off."

 **THE END**

 **Luan is singing a snatch of Van Morrison's _Brown-eyed girl._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Esteem Loudly**

 **Author's Note: Thanks again to nightmaster000 for the inspiration. This is an AU of the first** _ **Daria**_ **episode, 'Esteemers' and a cross-over of MTV's** _ **Daria**_ **and Nickelodeon's** _ **The Loud House.**_ **The characters and settings therein are owned by those entities and certainly not by your humble, bumbling author.**

 **This fic continues my "The Loud Cynic" crossover. To summarize: Lisa Loud is actually Daria Morgendorffer adopted into the Loud family as an infant. Lisa discovered this on her own and none of the Loud family have told her except her older sister, Lucy.**

 **Shaggs here is usually tagged 'Shaggy' in** _ **Daria**_ **fanon. He never speaks in the show. He is shown with Daria and Quinn as a new student in the first episode but also spotted in Lawndale High in a flashback detailing events a year prior to the Morgendorffer's arrival. Bob is another unspeaking backgrounder in** _ **Daria.**_ **His name is from fans' careful analysis of Mr. O'Neill's seating charts, and a tip o' the hat to them.**

I watched Dad's head swivel and bob as he navigated the boat of our massive new SUV through the still unfamiliar streets of Lawndale, MD. I had mixed hopes and desires that he and his passengers were headed in the right direction or that he would give up and we could all go home for another day. I could get back to my experiments; Lily to her art, Lana to mapping out the local water supply and discharge and Lola to her perpetual preening. He turned a corner and we all stirred as Lawndale High School hove into view.

"There it is, girls!" My Dad, Lynn Loud, Sr. enthused earnestly. "Lawndale High. Lily, I can drop off your sisters on time and get you to Howard Lane Middle School before the first bell."

"Thrilling, Daddy," Lily, the only Loud member I could call 'kid sister', looked up from her art magazine. How she could scan the printed page and not feel car sick considering the swaying, lurching massive hulk Dad was driving was beyond the ken of my delicate tummy and inner ears.

"Yes, it is!" Dad said merrily, missing Lily's lack of enthusiasm. "A new state, a new town, new schools. My new business. Look out Lawndale! We did okay in Royal Woods, Michigan; the Louds are going to rule Lawndale, Maryland!"

Sisters Lana and Lola rolled their eyes but smiled and nodded politely. I simply gazed at the looming building where I would be spending another three years of inevitable high school boredom and my attempts to convince teachers that I had no need of their instruction having mastered their disciplines and moved on to greater knowledge years before.

"Umm, girls," My Dad, Mr. Loud began. "I know some of you may have a harder time than others, well, adjusting to a new environment, town, friends, school, food, teachers…"

I disregarded safety and unbuckled my seat belt; leapt forward from the middle row to push a few buttons to start the CD of Curtis Roads' electronica with which I had primed the battleship the evening before. Sweet strains of clicking, popping and undefinable sounds wafted through the car. I could hear Lily give a sad sigh and almost detect Lola gritting her teeth. Lana, my cohort in appreciation of ' _Point, Line, Cloud',_ attempted to bop her head in time to the nearly imaginary beat.

"Sorry, Father dear," I yelled. "Can't hear you back here."

Front-seated Lola slammed her hand on the audio off button. Dad shook his head in confusion and resignation causing me to almost regret my action. He brought the behemoth to a smooth halt at the top of the turn-around.

Lola got out first carefully and casually adjusting her pink mini-skirt of just the right length before somehow being drawn to a small group of three girls whom I knew without looking were her kindred spirits. Lana adjusted her cap, smiled and nodded at me before disembarking. She gravitated to a couple boys which included one long-hair galoot who looked like Shaggy from _Scooby Doo_ and another with a nose ring and attached chain, of all the unhygienic accoutrements possible. Like her identical twin Lola, Lana had found her kinship group. I could almost smell the grease under their fingernails.

I got out hefting my Filson backpack.

"Father, I will do my best to make their adjustment smooth sailing," I carefully enunciated my promise to Dad.

"That's my girl!"

"Just a sec, Daddy," Lily commanded.

Lily got out and wrapped me in a gentle hug, ignoring my automatic cringe.

"Big sis," she whispered. "It's just a few hours. You can do it. Just remember, people do the best they can and not everyone is as smart as you."

"Your very last statement I can heartily agree with," I managed to hug back sort of sideways. That should be everyone's preferred hug position if one must insist on hugging. "If you were here, Lily, the cumulative IQ, talent and quality of the school would be raised considerably."

I leaned into the front window. "Um, Dad, thanks for driving. We can walk tomorrow I'm sure, despite however much Her Highness Lola may beg for a ride."

Dad muttered a few further earnest encouragements and lurched off after Lily got into the coveted front passenger seat.

And then the event I had been waiting for, nigh unto dreading, happened. A blue Lexus SUV stopped near the top of the key.

"Bye Daddy," the girl getting out sounded happily.

"Out of my way, geek," the flame-haired one said next as she unnecessarily attempted to walk through the solid object that was myself, Lisa Loud. I stood aside to get a better look at the Lexus' pilot.

Jake Morgendorffer smiled after his daughter before putting the car in gear and taking off, no reason to glance at yours truly, his unknown-to-him, one and only oldest daughter, the Daria Victoria Morgendorffer better known as the aforementioned Lisa Loud.

"Quinn Morgendorffer." I heard over my shoulder.

"Cool name! Quinn, meet, like, Lola Loud, you two are, like, most welcome additions to the fashion conscious set of Lawndale High and hereby granted membership in the Fashion Club of which I Sandi Griffin am the President."

I moved toward the group being careful not to get too close. Sisters Lola and Quinn, or however I should designate the two, were regarding each other warily but happily.

Quinn looked at me more directly and asked, "Lola, honey-child, you know this person?"

" _You can take the girl out of Texas but,"_ I thought before Lana answered.

"Ah, it's just my kid sister, Lisa. You don't have to pay any attention to her. Half the time we don't know if she's got her head in the clouds or up her own butt. Hey, Lisa, say something for us. How about, 'The thixth theik's thixth theep'th thick.'"

The group caught on as fast as my face burned. They all laughed heartily except Sandi Griffin who chuckled a bit and looked like she wanted to be above it all.

I scratched my nose with extended left middle finger as I contemplated devastating comebacks.

The now five members of what apparently was the 'Fashion Club' laughed on but Lola stopped abruptly as we both heard the boot steps of Lola's older-by-two-minutes twin.

"Sis, you be nice to Lisa, you know she's way smarter than this whole f- school put together." My seventeen year old sister Lana said at my side.

"And," Lana emphasized by cracking her knuckles and straightening her cap. "I know where and when and how deeply you sleep. Lola. Consider. That."

The twins glared at each other. Lola let herself get swept up with the Clubbies and Lana turned to me.

"Leese, hey, meet some cool guys. This is Shaggs. He showed me pics of his awesome carpentry! And this is Bob the soft spoken. Shaggs says Bob don't say much but his sweet motors do all the talkin' needed."

"Guys," Lana draped a well-muscled arm around my shoulders. "Lisa here ain't much good with her hands unless they hold a calculator or test tube, but she's unsurpassed in the brains department. She's helped me design lotsa kickass stuff!"

I extended my hand politely in deference to the two likely best friends who would soon be, like so many before them, tearing their friendship asunder competing for the attentions of the innocent and nearly oblivious Lana.

" _Must remember for Lily and me to have a talk with Lana tonight."_

"Pleathed to meet you guyth." I said and my face burned again.

" _Dammit. Cursed lateral lisp, okay, Lisa, take it easy. Remember what the speech therapist taught you. Be aware of the tongue! You can say a good hard 't', use it! And don't be nervous."_

Shaggs and Quiet Bob took no notice, each shaking my hand while sneaking glances at Lana or Bob was admiring my sister anyway. Shaggs seemed to be intrigued by the macadam. Lana was now picking her teeth delicately with her jack knife.

"Lana, let's not let you get caught again and have to give up your favorite pocket knife for a day," I inclined my head to the barely disguised metal detectors as we approached the front doors. The detectors flanked a bored looking guard.

"Oh yeah, Leese, can you put this in your hidey-hole bag?" She folded her blade and gave it to me.

I smiled and secured her tool in my invention, a bag which rendered itself and contents invisible to every known scanner in every airport, courtroom or secure building in the world. As Lana's own carpenter's tool belt repurposed as a backpack usually drew suspicion from security personnel, I stowed the contraband in my Filson.

"Steve," Shaggs and Bob greeted the guard pleasantly.

Steve nodded, "Have a good, safe, secure day, boys."

We foursome stopped at an intersection of hallways. Lana, Lola and I were to wait for the principal with other new students. Shaggs and Bob, of course, had their home rooms to get to.

Lana was paying more attention than I expected to metal-nosed Bob. I looked up into what I could see of Shaggs' deep blue eyes through his thick brown hair. His round glasses were nearly a match in thickness to my own.

"Um," He cleared his throat and pointed at the pendant hanging between the open vest and low mounds on my butterscotch pull-over sweater. "That's a nice necklace thing, Lisa. Quartz?"

I collected myself to speak carefully, "Yes, quartz. I found it myself years ago, a clean unmarred piece. Just a little something I've been wearing. New longer chain this year as I have shot up in height a whole one inch."

Shaggs kept looking at my pendant, at least I think he was looking in the general direction of my crystal. For the third time that day I felt my face burn and I have to admit it was not entirely unpleasant. For some reason, I restrained myself from covering my pendant with my arms.

He nodded and rubbed the back of his head. "Sweet. Um, hey, I'm kind of a rock hound myself. I know some great spots around here. Even find some indigenous people's scrapers and projectile points."

"It's fun; I'm part Choctaw," He continued with something of a non sequitur.

"That would be a most pleathant way to thpend an early morning, Thaggs. Eeep."

Shaggs gave me a lopsided smile. "I got Lan's number. I'll call you, Lisa. And you can call me Derek."

"Derek," I smiled. "Good for me to say, I mean know."

"Leese," Lana turned aside from having a conversation with the apparently not always so-silent Bob to address me.

"Bob says let's hang with them at lunch, Leese. They'll introduce us to a cool chick who drives one of Bob's souped up jalopies in teen races around here."

"Yeah, we call her 'Burnout Girl'," Bob said in a slow pleasant rumble. "But Jenny don't do drugs; she just likes to lay rubber in parking lots."

The boys ambled off giving us shy backwards glances. We saw a small horde of students approaching headed by an Asian women in a crisp grey-blue business suit. Lola Loud and Quinn Morgendorffer were chattering to each other in the forefront.

Lana leaned in, "See, Leese? Shaggs digs you. You should always let Lily dress you. That skirt's long and kind of plain but it shows off your killer boots. And that vest and sweater's not slutty but it sure caught Shaggs' eye. Okay, tomorrow, you really show off your gams, girl. Lily and I will see to that!"

I was about to protest that Derek was interested in my jewelry only and tomorrow's forecast called for cold wind and rain but our fellow new students gathered around us. I noticed Derek hovering around the fringes of our little group of tyros. He caught my eye and gave me a tiny lopsided smile.

The Asian woman began in a crisp and smarmy tone, "Fellow students newly of Lawndale High. I am your principal, Ms. Angela Li. As you can see, our Lawndale High students take great pride in their school. That's why you'll each be taking a small psychological exam with our highly-trained counselor to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High."

I resolved to give Derek something to smile about.

I smirked, "S.O.S., girl overboard."

The tall beanstalk of a girl next to me snickered loudly then covered her mouth as Ms. Li glared at her. Derek's eyes, what I could see of his cerulean orbs through his hair, widened in amusement.

I was a little surprised that Quinn beat Lola to the objection, "Nobody told me about any test!"

Lola put in, "Yeah, no fair. At least let us study for overnight and make a crib sheet."

"Don't worry." I comforted them. "It's a psychological test. Popular, stylish people are automatically exempt."

That mollified the two nascent Fashion Clubbers. Lana still appeared a bit uneasy. If Li's hired psychological gun scarred my big sister, I resolved to humiliate the beast and then to have a talk with Lana that night with the loving Lily for primary comfort.

In Royal Woods Lana had had a bad experience with a counselor attempting to make a name for herself by convincing Lana she would be happier if she dressed in chiffon, crinoline, lace or whatever little girls are made of. The quack also tried to persuade Lola to be more 'butch'—cannot believe she used the term—but Lola was impervious to anything but what could help her win more pageants and popularity.

Ms. Li saw Derek and scowled, "Mr. Alden, while it is admirable to want to help our new students acclimate to Lawndale High, I am more than up to the task. Your presence is neither required nor desired. Please proceed to your homeroom and subsequent learning this fine day."

Mr. Derek Alden loped off but not without giving me a sly backwards glance.


	3. Rock Loudly

**Loudly Rock**

"Hey," Lana yelled as we exited Bob's worn but surprisingly comfy 'jalopy'. "Snake, a big one!"

"Yeah, cool," Bob called and he and Lana bounded off into the high brown grass after a large specimen slithering away.

Derek and I goggled after their retreating forms. Derek came around to my side of the car.

"I'm not squeamish, but I never understood Bob's interest in snakes, toads, frogs, uh, etc.," he ventured.

"I too have only an academic interest in herpetology, not rising to the level of Lana's obsession." I said carefully suppressing my lisp.

Derek retrieved two plastic ice-cream pails from the trunk and handed one to me. He hugged himself in his thick, long gray car coat and mock shivered as he looked over the former quarry now public park free and open to those so inclined to rock hounding.

"Dang, it's cold this morning, Lisa. Are you sure you're warm enough in those overalls?"

"Thanks for your concern, Derek, but these dungarees and my sweater are all quite toasty."

I felt the need to get to rock hounding. Eyes on the ground and holding our pails by the bails, Derek and I went in differing directions. At least our eyes were on the ground most of the time. I found many occasions to glance up and around at the tall, shabbily-chicly dressed boy who found numerous opportunities to glance at me.

"Look, look," Derek called excitedly when we were about twenty meters away from each other.

I hustled over and grew excited myself. Derek was holding a green fist-sized piece of jagged rock the rough outline of Texas. He was looking at me and smiling.

"Derek! Raw antigorite. That'th a real find," My excitement getting the best of my tongue. "That thpecimen will certainly polith up thplendidly."

I bounced up and down in my brogans. Derek grinned even wider.

"Yeah! Let's put this in the car right away, Lisa. And where there's one there's got to be more."

As we carefully deposited the piece in the trunk a cold breeze blew up.

"Lisa, you're shivering. Here."

He unbuttoned his coat about to take it off.

"No, no. We Loud's are made of stern stuff."

With a funny look on his face, Derek fanned his coat out wide. My shivers and shakes ceased and I stood rock still as he approached me. Slowly he stepped up to me, stood inches away and enveloped my shorter frame in his voluminous coat.

A new reason to tremble, I had now. I took a tiny inches-long step forward and felt arms and coat curl around my back. My head came barely up to his shoulder. Derek put his cheek gently on my head.

"Derek."

"Lisa."

" _Will this, will this be my first kiss? Wait, I think I need to turn my face up to him for that. Do I, do I want to?"_

We stirred and swayed as my arms wrapped around him. I turned my face up. Our eyes closed as he dipped his head. It was a tentative gentle brushing of lips which followed.

" _Is that really my heart? Tachycardia? No, it's both of our hearts but the rates are definitely fast. Dammit Daria, Lisa just shut your mind off for once and enjoy something."_

Derek removed annoying glasses from our faces, depositing them in deep safe pockets of his coat.

A couple more slow brushes back and forth on the lips followed then and we just held each other and I listened to our cardiac rhythms.

How long we stayed wrapped in the coat and our arms I do not know. The wind sent a few remaining leaves from the deciduous trees skittering coarsely across the rocks.

"Whoa," I heard my loud Loud sister bellow. "See Bob? I told you if we gave 'em a few minutes alone they wouldn't waste it. Your buddy moves fast. My kid sister too, I guess."

Derek, and I burst apart. I was instantly colder out of his embrace.

Holding hands, Lana and Bob approached at a casual stride. Lana was grinning hugely. Bob smirked at Derek and punched him on the arm in some indecipherable male bonding ritual.

Derek looked sweetly embarrassed and rubbed the thick brown hair on the back of his head. He reached over then and plucked crispy leaves from my own thick brown hair.

"Lana," I sputtered. "Derek here was merely being the gentleman and helping me maintain core body temperature in this sudden cold northerly breeze."

"Looks like you heated up that core too, little Leese," Lana smirked.

"Did you find your reptile?" I asked to change the topic.

"Yeah," Bob said.

"Yep. We caught him and named him 'George' and let him go." Lana provided. "God, it's colder than a well-digger's elbow. Let's get some pizza."

Lana insisted on Derek and me taking the spacious back seat. Once out of the wind, Bob paused before starting the engine and looked over at Lana at the other end of the wide front bench seat.

"Bench seats are great," he declared.

"So fashionable," my less than fashion-conscious sister responded.

Lana slipped over to him so quickly that it looked like teleportation. Somehow they leaned far over to their right and teleported out of sight. I felt my face redden as certain oral sounds indicated their continued presence in the spacious cabin of Bob's jalopy.

"Bob, jeez Louise." Derek muttered. "Can't you two just hold it for an hour or so?"

He looked out the window then at me oddly and said more loudly, "Hey, where's that pizza? We're hungry too."

I bit my lip and looked out the window then at Derek. Then out the window again for good measure.

Suddenly two strong arms snaked under and around me. Very softy and surely I was lifted up and deposited onto his lap.

A particularly loud series of smacking, sucking sounds came from the front. I could not discern whether the sounds proceeded from a male or female throat or both.

"Still kind of chilly in here." Derek said. 

"I am rather cold," I granted.

Derek whispered, "It's enough for me just to hold you, Lisa."

"It is very pleasant to be in your arms, Derek."

And about an hour later we slaked our hunger on pizza.


End file.
